Lost and Found

This piece originally appeared in a Winter 2021 Anthology by Beyond Queer Words.

1.

The first fancy word I found after my brain injury was “avuncular.” Predictably, I don’t remember where I read it.

Avuncular. 

I rolled it around like a marble in my mouth, felt it rise through my skull and settle in my brain translucent and glowing.

Avuncular. Avuncular.

It means nothing at all, or next to nothing. Uncle-like.

Avuncular.

Gorgeous.

2. 

Gottmik is the first trans masculine drag performer to compete on RuPaul’s Drag Race. Gottlieb, the man who plays Mik, was adopted by conservative Christian parents in Scottsdale, AZ and sent to Catholic schools.

Mik walked the runway in an intricate red latex dress that wrapped around her neck and the sides of her face, crescendoing in a pony tale of orbs. Anal beads. She slayed as anal beads. 

Mik also walked the runway in an asymmetrical dress cut down to her ribs, left nipple covered in a black crystal pasty, top surgery scars clearly visible. I marveled at her bravery. My wife and I hugged one another. I looked at my still full chest and thought of how lovely it must be to lose something.

3. 

The purple beauty berry grows on Turkey Mountain where I walk my dog most mornings. It’s a large deciduous shrub with tiny blue-violet berries, impossibly bright. The genus is Callicarpa Americana, which is a word I never knew, not one I lost. It means, “beautiful fruit.” 

I can’t find a Liquitex paint color that matches the hue of purple beauty berries, so I use a blend of brilliant blue and brilliant purple. Because when I lost my words, I found painting. So now I know the names red oxide, Prussian blue, and hooker’s green.

4.

Some things are lost and found--a rush of euphoria and relief. Some things are found when you lose something else--scars, painting, purple beauty berries.